Monday, June 29, 2009

Mark Noonan Wants a Divorce

I didn't know we were married. Anyway, here's Noonan characterizing us traitorous, left-leaning commie worshipers and "real Americans." (What the fuck does that mean? I thought we were all Americans?)

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

Hey, asshole - everyone hates war. What I really hate are unnecessary wars that are fought for profit.

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

How the hell did Oprah get thrown under the bus?

We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the HOT Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

On this, we agree. Ms. Palin is all yours!

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Jerkoff....this is our country, too. Disagreement and difference of opinion is something to be celebrated, not seen in simple terms of us vs. them, good vs. evil. You would realize this, if you pulled your head out of your ass every once in a while.


Anonymous said...

OH NOES! THE 97 YEAR OLD JERKOFF HATES AMERICA!!! Don't let the door hit you in the ass Nooner.

et said...

Well, at least he admits he didn't write it.

I, however, AM writing this:

- - - -

We like services that keep our national parks looked after and our roads repaired and our drinking water clean, so we'll keep a tax code that is fair and proportionate to everybody's income. You can keep the collapsing bridges, the coal slurry contaminated rivers, and the fat cats with huge tax breaks who have been eating your lunch and theirs, and laughing about it, for a solid eight years.

We believe in actually preparing for problems before they occur, so we'll enact health care reform, whip FEMA into shape, and start bringing National Guard troops home to do, you know, the job they actually signed up for. You get the unused formaldehyde-riddled trailers, several trucks full of melted ice, a free pass to an Arabian horse show, and a mint julep on Haley Barbour's porch. We're sure it's been rebuilt by now.

You also get KBR, Blackwater and Halliburton. Good luck with that. We don't know what you're going to pay them with, since we have the progressive tax code...but that's your problem. I hear China is lending.

We think art and music and culture and actual THOUGHT are important, so we'll hang onto public broadcasting, NASA and the National Endowment for the Arts, and we'll work to rebuild our schools into places where it's cool to be smart and the humanities are as celebrated as the sports. You know - places where the graduating class might just be able to compete with the rest of the educated world for a change. You will have to content yourselves with American Idol, Jerry Springer, Fox News, AM talk radio, and a Netflix subscription consisting of nothing but old episodes of "The Dukes of Hazzard" and "Hee-Haw."

Send us the community organizers, tireless volunteers, and AmeriCorps. They move mountains every single day, spoonful by spoonful. You get the lobbyists for big tobacco, big pharma, big insurance, big finance and big oil. Hope you've stocked up on the champagne...and, trust us, they can smell Andre a mile away.

Keep the belligerence toward any nation that doesn't shout "USA-USA-USA!!" along with you. Also the good/evil rhetoric and the fearmongering. You're welcome to them. We will cheerfully take the UN, diplomacy, and the power of careful wording, global awareness, and the quest for common ground.

All those whacked-out fundie churches where they writhe on the floor, play with snakes, and have African witch-hunters as guest speakers? Take them, and welcome! We prefer to keep our myriad faiths in our families, homes and communities, not on parade for the camera or the pocketbooks of the gullible. While you're at it, please load up the homophobia, race-baiting, oppression of women, murderous tendencies, and rabid fear of anybody who doesn't share your beliefs, when you leave. We can do without those, and you apparently can't. It's a win/win.

The plans for high-speed trains, solar energy and electric vehicles are ours, thanks. Also the organic farms and local-food movement. For you, we have genetically-engineered corn, chicken nuggets of doubtful provenance, rampant obesity, Denny's grand slam, and the Big Gulp. When you finally are desperate enough to seek medical attention, maybe someone will roll you to our borders, because the doctors and nurses will have come with us, to a place where they don't have to beg insurance companies to be allowed to pursue their calling and save lives.

Did I mention that we get ALL the bicycles?

We get the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address and MLK's "I have a dream" speech. Because, well, we GET them. You clearly do not. But we have a great party gift for you for playing: the complete archive of McCain/Palin 2008! Including such show-stoppers as "I couldn't agree with them more...I couldn't disagree with you..." and "In what respect, Charlie?" (With bonus footage of Piper Palin spit-shining baby Trig's hair in the Special Features section.)

That's a "divorce" I could live with.

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