Saturday, December 31, 2011

Banned And Dangerous Is 5 Years Old!

Happy Birthday To...US! Banned And Dangerous Opened As Ranger Bob And Friends Blog Spot on December 31st 2006. The original purpose of this lonely slice of these Inner-webs was to post the wacky, insane, scary and sometimes mean ramblings of Conservative trolls on Newshounds.  It's has truly been a riot. of course today the place as slowed down. Moderation changes on Newshounds have filtered most of the troll quotes. Today the best quality posts (some would say the only quality post) come from the Wonderful Jonathan Holmes and Ralphy Fan (ET). Thank you very much to both of them! Also Yakki and John T have contributed through the past 5 years. Thank You to both of those fine gentlemen! Also thank you to all of the readers and commentators even Ranger and Bob P. All of you keep this place going. If you've come here to comment in any fashion even if it's just to disrupt and make asses of yourself. Now for your "enjoyment" the first ever post left here 5 years ago today...

I hate to burst all of your bubbles but you leftist schmucks didn't win anything
last November. The Democrats won and you aren't Democrats. Sure you might call
yourself Democrats but in reality you're just a bunch of leftist schmucks. You
won nothing. Ned Lamont lost. Tammy Duckworth lost. In fact the whole entire
"Let's Lynch George W. Bush " crowd lost. You schmucks on this board are nothing
but a shrill and vocal minority who have nobody looking out for you in
Washington. There will be no impeachment. There will be no surrender in the war
on terrorism. None of the things you powerless leftists morons wish for will
come to pass in the next two years. You're the useful idiots Lenin wrote about
and you're all too fucking stupid to even realize it. In closing I only have
this to say. I hope at least one of you America hating scumbags gets yourself killed by a drunk driver tonight. And I mean that most sincerely. And I hope when it happens you bleed for a long time before you finally gasp that final breath. Fuck all of you leftist bastards each and every one.

Chinaskee 12.31.06
  Happy 2012 To All Of You From Me! And Again Thank You!

Not A Good Night For The State Of Iowa.

Iowa State went down to Rutgers 27-13 earlier and Oklahoma beat Iowa 31-14 despite sleepwalking the entire game.

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Ones That Mattered: The 10 Best Films of 2011 (1-5)

Now that i've lashed out on the worst of the worst, it's time for me to honor the best of the best of what 2011 had to offer. There was nostalgia this year at the movies, from a love letter to Paris and the Roaring 20s, all the way to a a big, fat kiss to the silent movie era. We said goodbye to a beloved wizard, and one director said hello to the future of movies, and an all-female cast put the boys to shame in the comedy war. These are the movies you should have seen, need to see, and the types of movies that the Suits at Hollywood need to make more of.

1. The Artist - Of all the movies that came out this year, none made me more hopeful for filmmaking or stood out more than writer/director Michel Hazanavicius' love letter to the silent movie era. The Artist is exactly what you think it is: it's a silent, black-and-white movie, about a silent movie superstar in George Valentin (the brilliant Jean Durjardin) on the brink of obscurity as the talkies replace silent movies as the new way foreword in filmmaking, a wave the young, energetic Peppy Miller (an incandescent Berenice Bejo) rides to become Hollywood's newest and brightest star. How these two lives cross and collide lies at the heart of this musical/romantic-comedy/melodrama. I know what you're thinking: Everything that i've said so far sounds like this movie is a nice gimmick with heartwarming performances and a luscious scenery, but where's the substance? The substance is that The Artist reminds us why we go to the movies in the first place: we want to be entertained; we want to laugh, feel for the characters on-screen, and get lost in a world that we've not seen before. In this film's case, it's a world we've longed forgotten about, yet still feels familiar. It's often funny, it tugs at your heartstrings without being sappy, and its poignant and sentimental without demanding that you take out your hankey. In short - this movie is damn-near perfect.

2. Hugo - Martin Scorsese, the same man who uses gangsters, mob bosses, deranged degenerates,  crime and corruption as a torchway to the human condition, made a family film? And it's in 3D!? If it sounds like the man who made Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and The Departed has jumped the shark, prepare to be wrong and make room for this enchanting, visual and emotional masterwork that ranks alongside all the movies mentioned. Based on the story, The Invention of Hugo Cabret, Scorsese's take on a orphan boy (a revelatory Asa Butterfield) trying to piece together a mechanical writing machine in 1930's Paris is more than what its synopsis reveals: It is a lovely, passion-filled ode to magic of cinema itself. Watching a never-better Ben Kingsley as the magician/filmmaker, turned toy mechanic in a montage of his days as a filmmaker with his wife is wondrous to behold, as is Scorsese's masterful use of the 3D technology, DanterFerretti's gorgeous art direction, and longtime Scorsese collaborator Thelma Schoonmaker's top-notch level editing. Hugo shines a light on film's glorious past and gives you hope for it's future.

3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II - How do you put a capper on this generation's equivalent of the Star Wars saga after 10 years? By going out with an emotional and thrilling bang that deserves a Best Picture nomination the Academy has denied the franchise all this time. While Part I acted as a mere teaser to the final showdown between Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) and the evil Lord Voldemort (Ralph Finnes, capturing the malice of You-Know-Who to a "T"), Part II races towards the finish line with a thrillingly-staged battle between the Death-Eaters, Voldemort's dark army, and the staff and students at Hogwarts. Yet, it is the film's quieter moments - the aftermath of the battle as Harry sees death and destruction fills the Great Hall, to the epilogue 19 years later, that give the film it's haunting, bittersweet and cathartic power. Everyone from Radcliffe, Emma Watson as Hermione and Rupert Grint as Ron bring their A-game, but the actor who triumphs here is Alan Rickman, as his true nature is finally revealed to Harry in a flashback of Snape's life, and his grieving heart. Of all the blockbusters to come out of 2011, it's the last installment of the Potter franchise which really stays with you, even after the credits roll. That's the film's real magic act.

4. Drive - In a year where Ryan Gosling played a disillusioned spin man for a Presidential campaign (The Ides of March) and a smooth-talking womanizer helping a soon-to-be divorced 40-something man get back in the dating game (Crazy Stupid Love), it's his role as a Hollywood stuntman/getaway drive for the bad guys protecting a mother and his kid from the mob that lands him in my 10 best list. Danish director Nicholas Winding Refn borrows from other crime movies like Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver, Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, Michael Mann's Collateral, Joel and Ethan Coen's Fargo and Sergi Leone's Man with No Name trilogy to create a stylistic, ultraviolet crime noir tale of a heist gone wrong and car chases that put to shame all of the Fast and the Furious movies. And who knew Albert Brooks could play a mob boss with such malice and menace?

5. The Descendants - Alexander Payne follows up to his dramedy 2004 classic Sideways with this hilarious and bruising Hawaiian family drama about a workaholic lawyer coming to terms with his wife's infidelity as she lies in a hospice about to be taken off life support, and his overall absence as a father. George Clooney scores a career-best performance as the weary husband dealing with his wife's impending death, his two daughters; reckless teenager Alexandria (a touching Shaileen Woodley) and ten year-old Scottie (Amara Miller), and a looming decision on whether to sell his handed-down 250,000-acre Kauai land for a big payday. In lesser hands, this would've been a sappy family melodrama. In Payne's hands, not a moment rings false or reeks of sentimental overkill.

Linda Jayne Loves Her Some Tim Tebow Hates Her Some Bill Maher.

Priscilla speaks, derisively, of what she believes to be non-tolerance by Christians. Honey, you bet we’re not tolerant of abject blasphemy – and I don’t hear your tolerance toward Christians. Why not let the Christians alone and keep your iconoclastic drivel to yourself? When we defend ourselves we are intolerant – when atheists attack us and we have answers, you call us intolerant. Do you not see the dichotomy in your remarks? Maher is offal-brained. No matter what your belief, he was out of line. If he had attacked Muslims, Muslims, you wouldn’t be slobbering over him, would you? My guess? He would be off the air anyway – so you “wouldn’t have to” defend him.

UPDATE Priscilla has a beautiful comeback for Linda:

Uh, Linda, sweetie, Maher is very critical of Islam as he is of all organized religions. It’s his “schtick.” You obviously don’t watch his show; but rather take your information from Fox “News.” Note Bene that Maher’s comment was a tweet which went out to only those who read it. It wasn’t said on his show. You obviously don’t read News Hounds, as I have admitted that Maher, on HIS SHOW, can indulge in some misogynistic humor. So no, I don’t “slobber” all over him. I merely point out the hypocrisy of Fox which has no problem demonizing lots of folks on a national “news” network.

And if by “defending yourselves,” you mean the kind of hatred that comes from the homophobic, anti-choice Christian right (some of it directed against “apostate” liberal Christian churches), for which Fox News provides a mouthpiece, I stand by my accusation of intolerance. While Maher is a satirist, you guys are serious and have a national “news” network in your pocket. And therein lies the difference.

Very Truly Yours,
News Hounds Priscilla

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

DJ As A Kitten

The one in the back is My DJ.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Bad to the Bone: The Worst Movies of 2011

For every film that reminded me why I love the cinema in the first place (Hugo, Drive and Midnight In Paris to name a few), there was utter crap that made want to pull my hair out. Here’s my list of the movies that deserve my one finger salute and my scorn…

1. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I: Where do I possibly start with this year’s crème de la crème of crap? I didn’t think it was possible to outdo New Moon as the worst movie in the series, but director Bill Condon’s entry – in which Bella (Kristen Stewart) has a demon baby growing inside her, Edward (Robert Pattinson) continues to mope and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) still can’t take a hint, pulled off a double-whammy: it carves out a new low in god awfulness and made room for its old-fashioned views on sex. Did I mention there’s one more movie left to go before this terrible movie series ends? The end can’t come soon enough.
2.     The Hangover Part II – Loved the first movie where Todd Phillips weaved dark magic in what happens the night after a bachelor party filled with debauchery at every turn, hated how everything in Part II was a rehash of the original, and not very funny the second time around. Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms) and Alan (Zack Galifianakis) get wasted on the night out in Thailand, end up in Bangkok and lose the groom’s soon-to-be brother in law. Way to kill the good vibes in Part I, by making Part II a bland, disappointing exercise in excess.

3.      Red Riding Hood – How bad was this movie? Even the great Gary Oldman (who’s usually solid, even in a crap movie) turns in his worst performance as demon hunter who’s on the trailer of a murderous werewolf who’s killing off the village people. Amanda Seyfried is lovely as Bella Swan – er – Valerie, but her romance with bad boy Edward Cu…uh…I mean Peter (Shiloh Fernandez) have all the heat of dead ash. Don’t be fooled by this faux Grimm-inspired tale. It’s Twilight all over again.

4.      The Tree of Life – Yeah, I said it, and it had to be said. This isn’t the movie the critics are making it out to be. This was pretentious bullshit; a legendary director throwing gorgeous shots of the formation of the cosmos, and questions of who we are and our role in the world and hoping that it sticks with the arthouse crowd. Boy did it ever. If there ever a prime example of too much style and little substance, Malick’s….whatever he calls this, should be the posterboy.

5.      Green Lantern – Ryan Reynolds’s portrayal of cocky fighter pilot Hal Jordan and how becomes the first human to join the Green Lantern corps made me pine for the days of Ben Affleck hamming it up in Daredevil, and Thomas Jane’s miscasting as Frank in The Punisher. Add to it, bad visual effects and dull action pieces and you have one of the worst superhero movies ever.

6.      Transformers: Dark of the Moon – What year-end worst list is complete without this hack? Dark of the Moon isn’t as godwaful as Revenge of the Fallen, but it’s still filled with all of Bay’s signature touches: big, loud, dumb and long action pieces, bad dialogue, veteran actors lining up for a paycheck, and the Michael Bay close up on a woman’s ass and body. Some things never change.

7.      Tower Heist – It’s painful to watch Eddie Murphy, Ben Stiller and Matthew Brodrick, three funny comedic actors, delivering punchlines that don’t land, and jokes that taste stale in our mouths. It’s even worse when the goal is to combine Soderbergh’s fast and ultra-cool Ocean’s trilogy with the Great Recession-era antagonists, the lone bright spot is Alan Alda’s Trump-like character who oozes wealthy scumbaggery.

8.      New Year’s Eve – What do Robert DeNiro, Halle Berry, Abigail Breslin, Hilary Swank, and an ensemble cast has to do with the biggest party of the year? It’s all one big, sappy, clichéd mess.

9.      Sucker Punch – Visually, Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen) pulls out all the stops in this babes and bullets show, and the soundtrack is full of acid rock covers that add to the twisty ride of Babydoll’s (Emily Browning) escape from the psych-ward by day, whorehouse by night. Unfortunately, it can’t disguise the bad acting from the entire cast and a plot which can’t match the visual wonder onscreen.

 10.  The Eagle – You know a historical action drama will suck when its main character is played by an American actor, no attempt to do a British accent, and it’s Channing Tatum to boot.

Supplies for the War On Christmas

It isn't often that I dabble my toes in the sludge at World Net Daily, but a link from Daily Kos to this screed lured me in...
check out WND's online store for your personal "Christmas-defense kit." What you'll find are three choices of bumper stickers:
  • "This is America! And I'm going to say it: 'Merry Christmas!'"
  • "It is STILL a wonderful life – Merry Christmas!"
  • "Merry Christmas! An American Tradition"

They're all magnetized for seasonal use. Buy them separately or all together. Use them this year, next year and for many years to come.

In addition, there's the "Reason for the Season Auto Magnets," also perfect for your refrigerator or office file cabinet or desk. Part of every purchase goes to Christian charities.

It's the perfect way to make your statement this Christmas – that Jesus is the reason for the season. Buy one, buy 25, buy 50!

There's one more component of your Christmas-defense kit: It's the "Operation: Just Say 'Merry Christmas' Bracelet." They make great stocking stuffers, but why wait! Make your feelings about Christmas known to one and all. Wear them to pick up the kids, when you buy groceries and when you go to work. They're guaranteed to ward off the evil spirits of the ACLU grinches.

Read more: Get your Christmas-defense kit

So, here's the thing. First, doesn't it seem confrontational and not at all festive to rely on bumper stickers to convey your holiday message, presumably all about peace on earth and goodwill toward mankind? Are these people trying to get themselves keyed?

Second, I doubt that Jesus' message to his followers would be "buy one, buy 25, buy 50."

And, quite apart from the bankrupt philosophical viewpoint, this exposes decisively WND's most honest motivation in the whole "War on Christmas" hoopla - to score some $$$. It's part and parcel of what makes me laugh half the time I pass a so-called "Christian Supply" store. Who knew you required supplies, or that a prefabbed toolkit was needed?

I hope someday everyone will wake up to the absurdity of this whole thing and the "War on Christmas" can be consigned where it belongs: to the realm of mass delusion/deception. Until then...warm thoughts to you and yours, Gentle Reader, whether it's Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, Yule or Christmas or Saturnalia that you mark at this cocooning, renewing time of the year.

P.S.: Don't you love the phrase "magnetized for seasonal use"? Kind of like "sanitized for your protection"!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Tim Tebow Plays Real Team...Fails Badly

Playing a team that was either good or playing with their first string QB for only the second time Tim Tebow's Denver Broncos were blown out 41-23. Just like they were the only other time they have played a good team at full strength. The best play had to be Tebow's world class sack for 29 yards. The good news for the Tebowners of the world? The next two weeks the Broncos play the Bills and the Chiefs. So after 17-16 wins over those world class teams you can continue to sell your fraud to the world.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Saturday Sports Thread

Lots of  groovy stuff today and tonight. Yes I said Groovy.

Really rooting for Wyoming in the New Mexico Bowl because their fans were great. Really the best visiting team fans I have ever interacted with. But right now Temple is kicking their ass 14-0 and getting ready to score again. Hope Wyoming can turn this around. Uh my TV just shut off on it's own.

Nice prevent defense there by Wyoming to allow a 65 yard touchdown pass with 30 seconds left in the half. 28-7 Temple at half. Wyoming leaving some nice Christmas turds on the field.

37-15 Temple final score. Real disappointed in Wyoming today.  Now it's almost time for Frank's boys to play.

Nebraska sleeps their way through the first 35 minutes before pulling away from Alcorn State 60-46 in the final 5. And...

Congratulations To The Ohio Bobcats and Frank Solich on the schools first ever bowl victory!

Sounds like Carl Froch got skull fucked. Break out the big book of British boxing fans excuses. It's located next to the big book of Mexican boxing fans excuses.

In a game with some of the worst special teams play I have ever seen not to mention some of the worst center play, Louisiana Lafayette defeats San Diego State 32-30 on a last second 50 yard field goal. The kick was originally 55 yards (and would have been good from there) but SDSU was penalized 5 yards for illegal stemming (shouting signals to make the other team jump off) It's almost never called but it was pretty obvious on replay.

So what have we learned? 2 of the 3 bowls played today were down to the wire entertainers. Too few bowls? Pish Posh! We need more of the things!

And is there anybody who still believes either Boise State or TCU belongs in a BCS game? 

Oh yeah the Dallas beat Tampa Bay 31-15. So Romo is a God this week.

A get well soon to Celtic Guard Jeff Green who was found to have an aortic aneurism. Thankfully they found it in the physical and he will have heart surgery but is expected to be 100% next season. Obviously he'll miss this season. Had they not found it in the Physical it would have a tragic disaster.

Friday, December 16, 2011

The New Newshounds

Ok remember the bad old days when I would say something here remotely negative about Newshounds and then the trolls would read it cherry pick sentences? Or they would combine them with other sentences and come up with something to completely change what I said or come up with something that I never said at all? Then of course I would make matters all that much worse by getting mad at Chrish or Ellen because of it and acted like a complete shitfuck.See that last sentence? It's the truth and it's an insult directed towards myself. In the bad old days that sentence would end up at newshounds as "The Count is pissed says Chrish and Ellen are acting like complete shitfucks." See how the trolls had fun with words? NOW let me be clear right now. Read this blog and you'll see plenty of insults directed towards those women. They are juvenile and idiotic. When I read them now I'd like to find the person who wrote them and (me) and kick him right square in the Jimmies. All that being said...

Newshounds has a brand new look. New host, new layout new comment system new everything.And no doubt it's cleaner and better looking than that yellow page I've come to know and love. However the truth is I don't care for it. Maybe it's just because I dislike change and right now I am not comfortable with it. I am sure in time just before they change it again I will come to love it. BUT I already miss the like button and the reply button. The new board just doesn't have the same feel and atmosphere (if it's possible for a website to have such things) as trusty old Yeller. We all have those old clothes that should have been thrown out long ago that are just too damned comfortable to part with. That was the old Newshounds board.

Now I change the look of this place a few times a year. You get sick at looking at the same damned  layout over and over again. I get that. Plus the people over there (its not just women anymore) still do a fantastic job of monitoring Fox News. I'll get used to this new Newshounds but it will take time. I just hope this time I don't do or say something that makes me look like a shitfuck again! 

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

My take on "Tebow Time"

Let me say this about the Quarterback from Denver:  The man finds ways to win. He's got the team, the city, and the national sports media talking (usually positively or negatively). He's got the "it" factor, and he's clearly inspiring his teammates that they're still in the thick of it. Having said all that: we all need to come down from the Tebow-high (and Skip Bayless needs to stop blowing him in public on First Take) and realize why the Denver Broncos are in 1st place in the AFC West Division, and little of it has to do with Tebow: Denver's revamped defense, with the sensational rookie Linebacker Von Miller with 12 sacks leading the charge, and solid seasons by DE Elvis Dumerville, LB D.J. Williams, and the Broncos Secondary. Head Coach John Fox, who came in with a defensive unit that was the worst in football last year, has done an incredible job turning that group around. That, and having my Chargers losing 6 straight doesn't hurt one's chances either. And yes, Tebow's been terrific in the last 5-7 minutes of every game he's played so far this season, but he's been a terrible QB in the first 45-53 minutes he's played. He can't play this way vs. Tom Brady and the Patriots on Sunday and expect the magic to come in and save the day, despite New England's godawful defense (holding this year's dishonor for the worst defensive group of the year), and it sure as hell won't fly vs. James Harrison, Troy Polamalu and the Steelers in the postseason. The bigger question: Is Tebow a legitimate starter in the NFL? That remains to be seen. Right now, as Jim Rome would say, "Scoreboard, look up at it."

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Oh, Poor, Persecuted Herman Cain....

So, in my travels this evening through the Series of Tubes, I happened upon this from our old friend Jeremiah...
Mr. Cain had a lot of promise, and was leading in the polls early on in his campaign, but as always, Democrats in their greed, desire for power and deceitful ways found someone they could pay to tell lies about him, and destroy his candidacy for the Presidency....It's the Liberal Democrat way, folks, they don't know any other way to win than to belittle, lie, cheat, and steal from and to the American people to get their way...
Really, Jer? REALLY? After a blogging hiatus on your part of almost six months, you choose to throw your hat in the ring for Mr. Pizza? Cheering him on in his quixotic quest to transcend the many allegations surfacing against him? Where is your evidence that these are ginned-up "Liberal" plots? Why should not these individuals choose to come forward now, at a meaningful time, to share their evidence? Had I been a victim of the same behavior, I would certainly choose NOW to step up and say so in a broad public forum, absent other relief. And as for greed, desire for power, and deceit...I'm pretty sure that pursuit of same is reasonably nonpartisan. Plenty of evidence for that is available on both sides of the aisle. Convince me I'm wrong. I'm waiting.

And as for the statement that Cain was leading "early on" in the campaign...oh, please. Nobody was buzzing about him until a handful of weeks ago, and now he's old news. Deservedly so. The guy hasn't a clue, any more than most of the GOP field have. You're all scrambling so as to avoid having to anoint a reasonable, vaguely rational individual like Romney, preferring instead to christen some wacko wingnut-panderer like the likes of Bachmann or Perry to carry your standard.

Good luck with that.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Jonathan Goes To the Movies: The Worst Twilight Movie Yet

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part I, the fourth installment in the wildly popular series about the importance of having a boyfriend (and a sparkly, emo vampire boyfriend at that!), accomplishes a feat that I thought couldn't be done: This movie sinks to a new low in god-awfulness I haven't seen since Michael Bay's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and New Moon; its sappier than this year's terrible suck-fest that was Red Riding Hood; and it's so unbelievably stupid that it makes one wonder how in God's name did a very good director in Bill Condon get suckered into making back-to-back movies of the final chapter of Stephanie Meyers novel.

Forgive me for skipping the wedding scene and the reception scene (i'll come back to this later) and let's get to the real reason why we all wanted to see Breaking Dawn Part I: Ed and Bella finally fuck! Unfortunately, even the sex scene , like their romance, had all the heat of dead ash, as the only things that we see moving are the sheets, and Ed breaking the bed. Yawn. And that was just the first night. The rest of the honeymoon is spent by, and I kid you not: playing rounds of chess, trips around the secluded island in Brazil in which they are staying, and not having sex. The one-time mattress mambo was enough to knock up poor Bella, and in record time too: you see, the demon child she has carrying inside her womb is growing at an alarming rate and her body isn't compatible with her fetus, but really: in the whole time the two were in high school together, wasn't there some lecture given about sex!? Did no one tell them about protection, condoms, the Pill, or at least to pull out before he blasts her with his vampire spunk!? Of course not, because the author and the movie are as backwards and old-fashioned about sex as the Catholic Church is: protection is bad and sex is for reproducing only. I want to say they'd look the other way if they could see a demon baby would be the result, but with figures like Michelle Bachman, Sarah Palin, and Rick Santorum, i'm almost positive they'd be fucked either way.

Where was I? Oh yes, the baby growing in Bella. Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) eventually gets word of Bella's rapidly growing, blood-sucking bundle of joy. Here's his first reaction to the news: he looks at Bella, then toward Edward and screams, "YOU DID THIS!!" In the 2+ years he's played his character, he's still as cringe-inducingly bad as ever. Anyway, the baby has the Wolfpack (not Phil, Stu, and Alan from The Hangover series, but even they would be more animated than the CGI werewolves they turn into) about to break the truce between the Cullens and kill the baby before it becomes unleashed to the world. Of course, Jacob has a decision to make: does he side with his pack and kill the demon spawn, or will his unrequited love for Bella make him change his allegiances? As for Bella, will she die in childbirth, or can Edward turn her in time before the baby is born? Do the Suits at Summit Entertainment laugh every time they turn a profit on the franchise?

Normally, I wouldn't comment on the acting, because there really isn't any, but in this case i'm making an exception, because the acting really is horrendous. The wedding reception is a fantastic example of actors delivering the most cringe-worthy dialogue you will see in any movie this year. Here's Charlie Swan's toast to the newlywed couple:
"Edward will be a good husband. I know this because... because I'm a cop, I know things. Like how to hunt somebody to the ends of the earth. And I know how to use a gun."
And here's Bella's bestie from high school, Jessica, putting in her two cents on the married couple:
"Um...and then suddenly, Edward is all about Bella. Even though she's not the captain of the volleyball team."
I'm sure Anna Kendrick and Billy Burke, two talented actors, died a little inside when they uttered those lines of dialogue.

The only upside to Breaking Dawn Part I was that in the two hours I was in the theater is that it made me appreciate what the people behind the Harry Potter film series -  David Heyman, David Barron,  Steve Kloves, and the four directors (Chris Columbus, Alfonso Cuaron, Mike Newell, and David Yates), were able to accomplish in the 10 years of making these movies. They lived, breathed, respected and loved J.K. Rowling's vision of The Boy Who Lived and his journey from the 11-year-old boy in the Dursley's small cupboard beneath the stairs, to a man who faces his destiny with Lord Voldemort with courage, despite his fears; along with the world of Hogwarts, the Wizarding World, and the creeping darkness that comes forth in later novels. The movies were made out of a labor of love. The Twilight movies, on the other hand, exemplify Hollywood at its most cynical: a mediocre book series + bad acting + poor direction + horrendous screenwriting + actors who are asked to pout and pose like Abercrombie & Fitch models = a gold mine at the box office.

zero stars out of ****

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