Jonathan Goes To the Movies: The Worst Twilight Movie Yet

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part I, the fourth installment in the wildly popular series about the importance of having a boyfriend (and a sparkly, emo vampire boyfriend at that!), accomplishes a feat that I thought couldn't be done: This movie sinks to a new low in god-awfulness I haven't seen since Michael Bay's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and New Moon; its sappier than this year's terrible suck-fest that was Red Riding Hood; and it's so unbelievably stupid that it makes one wonder how in God's name did a very good director in Bill Condon get suckered into making back-to-back movies of the final chapter of Stephanie Meyers novel.

Forgive me for skipping the wedding scene and the reception scene (i'll come back to this later) and let's get to the real reason why we all wanted to see Breaking Dawn Part I: Ed and Bella finally fuck! Unfortunately, even the sex scene , like their romance, had all the heat of dead ash, as the only things that we see moving are the sheets, and Ed breaking the bed. Yawn. And that was just the first night. The rest of the honeymoon is spent by, and I kid you not: playing rounds of chess, trips around the secluded island in Brazil in which they are staying, and not having sex. The one-time mattress mambo was enough to knock up poor Bella, and in record time too: you see, the demon child she has carrying inside her womb is growing at an alarming rate and her body isn't compatible with her fetus, but really: in the whole time the two were in high school together, wasn't there some lecture given about sex!? Did no one tell them about protection, condoms, the Pill, or at least to pull out before he blasts her with his vampire spunk!? Of course not, because the author and the movie are as backwards and old-fashioned about sex as the Catholic Church is: protection is bad and sex is for reproducing only. I want to say they'd look the other way if they could see a demon baby would be the result, but with figures like Michelle Bachman, Sarah Palin, and Rick Santorum, i'm almost positive they'd be fucked either way.

Where was I? Oh yes, the baby growing in Bella. Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) eventually gets word of Bella's rapidly growing, blood-sucking bundle of joy. Here's his first reaction to the news: he looks at Bella, then toward Edward and screams, "YOU DID THIS!!" In the 2+ years he's played his character, he's still as cringe-inducingly bad as ever. Anyway, the baby has the Wolfpack (not Phil, Stu, and Alan from The Hangover series, but even they would be more animated than the CGI werewolves they turn into) about to break the truce between the Cullens and kill the baby before it becomes unleashed to the world. Of course, Jacob has a decision to make: does he side with his pack and kill the demon spawn, or will his unrequited love for Bella make him change his allegiances? As for Bella, will she die in childbirth, or can Edward turn her in time before the baby is born? Do the Suits at Summit Entertainment laugh every time they turn a profit on the franchise?

Normally, I wouldn't comment on the acting, because there really isn't any, but in this case i'm making an exception, because the acting really is horrendous. The wedding reception is a fantastic example of actors delivering the most cringe-worthy dialogue you will see in any movie this year. Here's Charlie Swan's toast to the newlywed couple:

"Edward will be a good husband. I know this because... because I'm a cop, I know things. Like how to hunt somebody to the ends of the earth. And I know how to use a gun."

And here's Bella's bestie from high school, Jessica, putting in her two cents on the married couple:

"Um...and then suddenly, Edward is all about Bella. Even though she's not the captain of the volleyball team."

I'm sure Anna Kendrick and Billy Burke, two talented actors, died a little inside when they uttered those lines of dialogue.

The only upside to Breaking Dawn Part I was that in the two hours I was in the theater is that it made me appreciate what the people behind the Harry Potter film series -  David Heyman, David Barron,  Steve Kloves, and the four directors (Chris Columbus, Alfonso Cuaron, Mike Newell, and David Yates), were able to accomplish in the 10 years of making these movies. They lived, breathed, respected and loved J.K. Rowling's vision of The Boy Who Lived and his journey from the 11-year-old boy in the Dursley's small cupboard beneath the stairs, to a man who faces his destiny with Lord Voldemort with courage, despite his fears; along with the world of Hogwarts, the Wizarding World, and the creeping darkness that comes forth in later novels. The movies were made out of a labor of love. The Twilight movies, on the other hand, exemplify Hollywood at its most cynical: a mediocre book series + bad acting + poor direction + horrendous screenwriting + actors who are asked to pout and pose like Abercrombie & Fitch models = a gold mine at the box office.

zero stars out of ****