Monday, July 20, 2009

Jam & Jesus

Custom-made for the Jeremiahs of this world comes this gem of a post from World O' Crap, apparently assigning Jesus the fun job of unjamming the copier and, by the way, we're low on Magenta toner...

Samples:

Surrender every thought to Jesus when it’s in the good time…Let Jesus talk to you. When He is not forming your thoughts, then it’s time for you to rest. Jesus orchestrates rest stops in the rhythm of thought pattern construction and silence.

Although, judging by that last sentence, he’s on a smoke break at the moment.

We need the silence. We need the quiet. We need to shut down until Jesus plants another thought.

We’re like the ventriloquist dummy in Magic, except with less personality and free will.

I mean being very practical here. Jesus will tell you to make the bed, wash the dishes, vacuum the carpet and empty the garbage. Do whatever He tells you when He tells you.

Great. My cosmic puppeteer has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

. . .

Now here is another recommendation that I hope you will understand so as not to think I am diminishing the Jesus power.

I recommend that you see your family doctor if the jam is too often and too messed up. If it goes on and on, see your doctor.

Ask your doctor if head jam is right for you.

If your doctor is like mine, he’s wise. He will give you medicine to aid you in calming down the thought stress.

Yeah, Jesus? You can keep the jam. I’ll take the Xanax.

But why should you do this when Jesus is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-sufficient? Why not? Jesus creates medicines.

Like those guys who cook up batches up meth in motel rooms in San Bernardino.

They are heaven’s gifts when we need them.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Prozac.

- - - -

Definitely worth a full and satisfyingly snarky reading.

2 comments:

Count Istvan said...

I love world o' crap even if they did say Moonraker was the worst Bond film ever.

et said...

ET Spouse and I were chatting this evening and he observed that the denizens of that "C Street House" must be incredibly weak people. I pointed out that they're in the classic mode of most of the Bushies - desirous of all of the power and none of the accountability - and the C Street organization offered them an alternative to being accountable to the public (instead, just to "their own kind," as it were) along with the extra security of telling them what to do, so they didn't even need to think about how to use their political power. Spiritual/political Hamburger Helper. SO much easier than cooking from scratch.

It's not such a stretch from that to thinking that these people probably really do expect Jesus to tell them when to wash the dishes and take the garbage out.

Not that my religious views are exactly in the mainstream, as you know...but even if they were, I like to believe that I would be the sort of person who would assume that an all-powerful deity would create people to be people rather than sheep, and expect us to use our minds and talents and the best impulses of our hearts to their fullest.

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