Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The View From My Ass Vacation Edition
Where The Elite Meet To Eat Or Something.
So where did you go on your Vacation? Europe? Hawaii? Disney World? How about Thermopolis Wyoming? Yes The Count spent his vacation, well 2 days at least, in the boomin' town of Thermopolis Wyoming population of about 25. But shit they had a Best Western with a TV set and a shower so what more could you ask?
The Count Bitch Slaps A Octogenarian.
So on our first day of vacation we are making our way to Broken Bow Nebraska (more on that later) and we stop off at Stuhr Museum in Grand Island. We park and start to walk to the museum when and old bat age of about 89 jumps on us for parking in a handicap spot with out a sign in our car. The Contessa began to explain that she did not know that it was handicap parking but after taking a quick look I cut her off. We in fact had not parked in a handicap spot and I wasn't going to let this obnoxious old dinosaur get away with harassment even of she was 113 years old. After all she most likely got into the place for free. I politely asked the old bird if she was an employee of the museum to which she replied she was not. I then told her to get an employee of the museum to look at our car and if we were breaking the law they could fine me and I would pay. I then walked off and enjoyed the museum. Oh by the way...a few hours later as we got back to the car The old bitch was gone and there was no ticket on our windshield. Looking back I should have gone into the Museum and reported the old biddy for harassing the customers but shutting her up on my own worked just fine.
The museum itself was very nice. In addition to the museum there is a few streets set up like and old west prairie town in the late 19th century. It contained the home Henry Fonda was born in which they moved from another part of Grand Island. Inside the museum they had a display showing the evolution of a horse. I asked the Contessa why it is they have no problem with the idea that the horse evolved but shit themselves over the idea that humans did the same.
I Learn Something Every Vacation.
It's true. I have yet to go on vacation where I haven't learned something. On this vacation I learned that the town of Broken Bow Nebraska smells like shit. Now here in Nebraska that's not totally uncommon. Hell the town of Wisner boast about it on the sign heading by the town. Welcome to Wisner This part of town smells like shit. But usually when you get into town the smell subsides. Not Broken Bow. We were in downtown Broken Bow (there's a joke that writes itself) and you couldn't smell anything but shit. They did have a nice restaurant inside of an old hotel but the town still smells like shit.
Broken Bow has 3 thousand people and all of them are over 75. They have 2 huge retirement centers and senior living centers. One was called "Off Broadway" They aren't joking. that's as off Broadway as you can get.
One last thing about Broken Bow. I joked that the town was named after a guy with a Bow and Arrow set broke a bow and somebody discovered it. Guess what? No joke. The first guy that lived there couldn't get the territory to grant the town township because he couldn't come up with an original name. The he remembered a broken bow he found and registered Broken Bow. He could have used shitsmell as well.
As we were leaving town, which honestly outside of the fucking smell isn't a bad little town, The Contessa asked me what I thought real-estate went for in town. I replied "you must be out of your fucking mind"
The Scenic Sand Hills... Not Really All That Fucking Scenic.
For some, topography nuts, bird lovers, Golfers, the Sand Hills are heaven on earth for everybody else they are just miles and miles of pure bullshit. Honestly they are more scenic than say...most of the rest of the state but I don't think too many people in Alaska are thinking "you know these mountains are great, but if you want to see some scenic shit...go to the Sand Hills" The most impressive thing about the sand hills is they go on for 65,000 miles and the population is 10. There are however a lot of cows and cranes and a private golf course most Nebraskans can't afford. There is a few public ones for us peons though. ( Mine is a unique marriage. Any golf I play usually involves a windmill and a par 3 limit. My Wife has played the game since she was a child and loves it)
Come And Listen To A Story About A Man Named Count.
Now I hadn't been to Chadron State park since I was 7 and I couldn't remember if their cabins had TV. Back then it didn't matter much. We had just got cable the year before so to be with out TV then was to be with out 3 channels. Surely today the cabins had a TV set right? Wrong! Now don't get me wrong. The Count isn't exactly a pioneer. I had my Ipod with speakers, a portable DVD player with some movies and games 4 and 6 of the NBA finals. ( because you just can't watch those enough) I also brought with me some books. I got Lewis Black's new book "Me Of Little Faith read on this trip as well as the last 200 pages of Never Send Flowers a James Bond book.) But not having a TV for multiple nights was culture shock. Thankfully the weather in Chadron was great. with highs in the mid 70's and lows in the 50's we spent a lot of times outdoors and it was quite nice.
The first day we went to fort Robinson in Crawford Nebraska and that was pretty cool. They had a museum and an generals quarters you could go through. That night in the cabin we spent the time fighting off an army of moths. I shit you not there must have been 500 hundred of those bastards in the cabin. Once we got them killed and found where they were coming from we could finally sleep. The next day we went up to Rapid City South Dakota. I got my Celtics NBA champions shirt. (Ok I got 3 of them) That's where I heard George Carlin had died. Though I didn't always like his humor I had great respect for that man and was sad to hear of his passing.
Funny thing. From Chadron heading north you see something you don't see much of in Nebraska. Scenery. Not that Sand Hills shit but honest to goodness scenery. The Bad Lands in Nebraska aren't as scenic as those in the Dakotas but they are nice none the less. especially if you have spent 500 miles looking at cows and shit. Nebraska does have some scenery. You just have too look to find it.
We drove around Rapid City a nice town with about 65,000 people built on the military. I could tell my wife liked the town as we drove around the nice areas on the edge of town. As we got close to downtown as all cities do the economics of the town changed. There were pawn shops, pay check advance stores and rent a centers. That's not to knock Rapid City. all cities with a certain amount of people have such areas and Honestly Rapid City is a great place to live and very safe But for some reason my wife seemed to think everybody there lived a nice ranch style home.
Chadron Nebraska has about 5500 people and a college. It's a very nice little town and I would imagine that once upon a time they had a bunch of grocery stores. Now they have 2. Safeway and Walmart super store. we stopped off at Safeway and got a can of raid. I was like a New York City police officer with that shit. I shot first and asked questions later. with in minutes we had the moth problem handled for the rest of the time in the cabin. We had a great time in the park TV or no TV.
A Question I Never Pondered.
Now it was time for the play it by ear part of the trip. we still had some time but didn't know what to do so we did what all people do...went to Wyoming. Now Casper is like Wyoming's LA but honestly no offense to the fine people of Casper...the town sucks. For years casper's claim to fame was that it had the highest suicide rate in the country. I think it's because the wind always blows a thousand miles and hour and Dick Cheney claims it has his home town. We decided to keep going past Casper. past Casper the scenery changes again and becomes mountainous and quite beautiful. We decided to stop in the town of Thermopolis which is in the mountains. We found the Best Western right out of side of Hot Mineral water springs park ( a cool place) which apparently was an old hotel that had been refurbished. The place had two things going for it as far as we were concerned. A TV and a shower. Now the cabin in Charon was pretty cool and the TV thing wasn't that big a deal. A much bigger problem was the showers which were seemingly built for Herve Villechaize. So what were the first things I see when I turn on TV for the first time in close to 4 days? James Dobson whining about Barack Obama. ( great I finally get a TV and I have to hear from less of a life form than that army of moths I just killed) and Shaq O'Neal asking Kobe Bryant how his ass tastes. I have to admit I never once wondered how Shaq's ass tasted. That was new one. Of course Shaq's tale got even sadder. Apparently it was Kobe's fault Shaq got a divorce and a Vasectomy so now he can't breed 'em. About the 10th time I heard Shaq say "hey Kobe tell me how my ass tastes" and Billonuts actually call out George Carlin for using the word fuck I shut the set off and didn't turn it on a again. Just think for days I couldn't hear such great things as hey Kobe tell me how my ass tastes.
A Mighty Winds A Blowin.
Now this was a great trip for weather. We had rain just about every day but it would rain for 5 minutes and stop. The temps were rarely hotter than 80 or so and it cooled down very nicely every night. We were in Kimball Nebraska when we heard that Omaha had a bad wind storm that had killed 2 people. ( a 100 miles an hour but in a straight line so it wasn't a tornado) We got a hold of friends who said that are neighborhood was one of the worst hit parts of town which made us worried. Then we got hold of a neighbor the next day after they got power back and they informed us that our house and property didn't have much damage. My initial reaction I am ashamed to say is that God must like us. After I said it I corrected myself. That is so stupid to claim that because your property was spared that somehow you have more favor with God than the people across the street who have a tree on their roof and still don't have power. it's stupid and it's not true. Why would a God think more of me than the 85 year old woman across the street who lost a complete tree? She is a wonderful person and a great neighbor. It makes no sense at all to claim otherwise. Anyway we have spent the week cleaning up sticks, branches and leaves but a weeks worth of yard work when other house on the block look like they were in a war zone is small price to pay. No question we were lucky.
It's Good To Be Home
So that was my vacation 2008. It wasn't the longest or most exciting I have ever been on for sure but it was just what the doctor ordered. very relaxing and enjoyable and my batteries are recharged. I like small town and rural settings for a few days or a week and then after that I need life. I for one enjoy seeing America, even a little slice of it. It's always and enjoyable experience. I'll leave recounting my astonishment of the variety of AM radio in Western Nebraska. at one point I could pick up 7 AM radio stations. 6 of them had Mouse Limburg On. Only in America.