Saturday, December 11, 2010

The View From My Ass

Congratulations to the President for making a shrewd decision to counter balance Bernie Sanders wonderful 10 hour filibuster. And oh by the way congratulations to all of the other Democrats for standing up with Bernie and really showing your convictions. One thing nobody can accuse you Democratic politicians of is standing up for what you say you believe in. I'll say one thing for the Repukes. Must of their ideas suck ass but by God they stick by and don't abandon their suck ass ideas. Imagine if Democrats stuck by their better ideas. Anyway I digress back to praising President Obama. Today he made one helluva a shrewd move to counter balance Bernie Sanders. He turned to Bill Clinton to sell his policies. You see this was as good a move by the President as last weeks cave in was bad. For just as Sister Sarah of the north couldn't convince me that the Capital of Nebraska was in fact Lincoln (like she would actually know) Bill Clinton could sell me that the Capital of Nebraska was Obert. (Population 40) Bill Clinton is natural born salesman and in his profession that is of course a very good skill to have. Bill could take any piece of shit and polish it up so nice that you would buy it and place it high on your mantel piece. Most people have a set idea on whether or not the President made a wise choice in extending the Bush tax cuts. Personally I think he made one helluva a mistake, however if there are some people out there who are not set in their convictions on the matter Bill Clinton is the man to win them over. He'll even convert a few who are on the other side of the fence. The man is a A+ salesman no doubt. I must however ask one question of both President Obama and the Clinton's. If the President is going to keep turning to a Clinton to sell every tough decision he makes why exactly did they bother running against each other in the first place? Just asking.

I haven't smoked a cigar in a week until last night. Yesterday being the nicest day we've had in these parts in several weeks with the Temperature breaking 50 and the lows even being where the highs normally are I had made up my mind that last night I was going to toke up for better or for worse. The problem is by 2 in the morning I still had not smoked my cigar. Finally about 2:15 against my better judgment I lit up. BAD IDEA. First of all smoking a cigar just before you go to bed guarantees that when you wake up the next day not only is your mouth dry but it contains a taste that can only be describes as Elephant piss dripping off of Jabba The Huts legs. And nothing not tooth paste, not antiseptic, not cough drops nothing can get that taste out of your mouth. And depending on how shitty the cigar is that taste can linger. Since I smoked a C level cigar I have just now lost most of the taste. The second reason smoking a cigar late is a bad idea is common sense. You aren't your sharpest at 2 in the morning as a rule and there for it's not the best time to be messing with a fire hazard...duh! Still knowing this I kept my vow to smoke a cigar last night while listening to my IPOD. Well keep track of your ash is usually a smart idea. When it gets long knock it off in your ashtray. Because if it falls off It can burn whatever it lands on. Last night it was my left hand as I picked the cigar up with my right hand. And yes this was far from the first time this has happened. I came damn close once to burning a body part that most men would tell you was more valuable than a hand with Cigar ash. I've dropped a cigar went to catch it and caught the lit in. Amazingly other than a hole in bedding I have never done any serious damage as of yet with my habit.

Just as I don't profess to be the smartest man in the world I don't believe I am half as stupid as the stupid shit I often do. I mean I know the correct way to spell all of the little errors that will turn up in this little piece of shit rant on planet boob's blog tomorrow and yet i still make the peace of shit errors. (Intentional) Still I am the guy who reads hot surface when light is on and sticks his hand on the stove. On the other hand the Contessa, a very smart woman who rarely does stupid things, once passed a store called the winery and asked me what I thought they sold. Tonight as we drove from a restaurant in Council Bluffs back into Omaha to go downtown to see the lights we drove through Southeast Omaha which or those of you who aren't familiar with Omaha is highly Hispanic and many o the signs in the area are in Spanish as that is who the businesses cater too in that area. We drove by a store with signs in Spanish and the Contessa trying her best recollection of her Marceline, Missouri high school Spanish said "cigarettes and liquorish." After a few seconds of trying to figure out why a store would sell Cigs and Liquorish or how they could even get away with such a combination I said Hon pretty sure that it says "Cigarettes and Liquor"

Speaking of the Contessa I have to fill out her College Football office poll and number the games 1 to 35 with 35 being the game I am most confident in. Pretty sure that will be Oklahoma-UCONN with Nebraska-Washington being 34. I do wonder how confident one can be predicting Florida International and Toledo or Middle Tennessee State and Miami of Ohio. I have already made sure that I wont be thrown out of the house should she not win. And I am pretty sure I won't see a penny should she do so. One bowl game puts me into a bit of an ethical dilemma. The Insight Bowl Iowa vs Missouri. On the one hand you have a fan base filled with an amazing amount of cockiness and self-worth for a program that has very little actual history of being successful and on the other hand you have...Missouri. Sure Iowa fan talks an amazing amount of shit for a team that wins one major bowl every 50 years and sure you could fill what they know about football into Glenn Beck's jock but they are better than Missouri's hideous fan base. For one thing Iowa fan will actually go to the game. For another as shitty as Iowa's football glory is it beats the holy fuck out of Missouri's. So even though it's against almost everything I stand for and it will leave a taste in my mouth that rivals the shit taste of a middlin' cigar that has been building up in your mouth while you sleep SKY HIGH BY THE FOURTH OF JULY IN IOWA! One wonders if Missouri has their usual bowl fan showing of 12 people if even Bill Clinton could sell their program to prospective bowls after this. If anyone could it would be Bill that is if President Obama can spare him.



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