Fundie, Apparently Paralyzed

Again, our Jeremiah's silence compels me to dip into Fundies Say the Darndest Things for our latest dose of Fundamentalist Fury. Today's appears to hail from Australia but it is no less paranoid and self-loathing for that. Follow along with me, gentle reader, as we document the idiocies:

I hate pornography because it has taken away my freedom.

I see. The existence of porn, in any form, anywhere, prevents you from arising in the morning and going about your business? You might as well be incarcerated, you say? Curious. Say on!

It serves to remind me that western culture is no longer my home because I no longer move freely in it.

So you are prevented from going about your business. I'm still intrigued. Does a prostitute station herself outside your apartment door, barricading the way?

Last century, as I tried to live a life worthy of the Lord, a lot of things were going my way (at least, I understand they were; I wasn't there to enjoy it, but someone like me was).

*ahem* Before I even comment on referring to your life in a prior century during years you then claim you were not alive - which is nonsense galore, so I don't think I'll mention it after all - if you weren't there, as you say, then that makes you....like, ten. Or nine going on ten. Apparently porn is also interfering with your mathematical calculations.

I could walk into a newsagency, buy the paper, and walk out again without my ungodly thoughts being fuelled. Someone—the government!—was helping me, by not allowing material I didn't want to see to be displayed.

So suggestible, good sir? That the mere presence of porn pokes a sharp stick at your ungodly thoughts? I suppose I should rejoice that an Archie comic in the checkout aisle doesn't impel me to want to buy a denim-covered binder to doodle all over as I am irresistibly compelled to go back to algebra class...

And, yes, that government censorship that you weren't there to enjoy? All intended for and built around you and your wants/needs. Idiot.

But today, the relaxation of the censorship laws has meant steady erosion of my freedoms. I love film, but the proliferation of pornography has meant that I need to check every film I see carefully.

I believe it's called the ratings system. Also, film reviews. And you may have encountered something known as the Internet. I am told you can find plenty of film information there. What did you do before, in this increasingly mythical existence of yours? Just go to every film that appeared, without any knowledge as to what the plot involved? I'd give you a list of keywords you may want to avoid, but I don't think the Count wants that kind of Google search to pick up this blog...

I love the inner city, but the proliferation of sex shops have meant that I now have to keep accountable to friends at home about where I have spent my time.

Checking in with Mommy? Nanny? The nurse practitioners at your care facility? Because I'm pretty sure that pornography or the existence of establishments that provide it doesn't force you to phone home every five minutes or recite your itinerary to anybody.

I love literature, but pornography has limited my freedom to avoid reading what I don't want to read.

OK, now this is just getting stupid. I'll go slow so this dolt can follow. In these places called libraries, there's this thing called either the Library of Congress or the Dewey Decimal Classification system. You can go right to what you want to read about - I'm guessing you'll hang in the 200s on the DDC - and don't have to look at another thing. Not even those bright, colorful, pro-reading displays that those nasty egalitarian librarian types insist on putting up.

Are you in a bookstore? They tend to categorize, too. Just follow the signs. And here's a clever and handy tip. You're passing by something you don't want to read? DON'T READ IT! Point your eyes elsewhere. You're in charge of what they do and don't look at, not Houghton-Mifflin. I mean, come ON.

And newsagencies. Newsagencies! Those most normal of places—the place we go to buy our paper, our cool drinks and our bus tickets—have become places that cause me to pray before I enter.

Dear Lord, give me the strength not to buy the Super Big Gulp this time but to settle for a small regular coffee and perhaps a Danish... and please, Lord, let those people staring at me understand that I am actually praying and not preparing to urinate on the sidewalk...

And, once I have prayed and rallied my heart to heaven,

Getting ridiculous here again. You have to "rally your heart to heaven" to go in the equivalent of a convenience store for a newspaper? You've got more problems than just porn, buddy.

I must buy my paper in the manner of an Israeli Commando Mission—get in and get out as quickly as possible.

Do you wear cammo? I would pay money to see that. People might mistake it as an Improv Everywhere mission, though.

Perhaps one day, I shall have to forgo my beloved copy of the Weekend Australian altogether.

Again, let me direct you to the miracle that is this Series of Tubes...on which you're posting this drivel right now!!

The relaxation of censorship has not meant freedom for me, and a furthering of my rights; it has meant my freedom has been exchanged for another's. Those of us who wish to avoid pornography (not only Christians, but also Muslims, some feminists, and a host of other groups one would think a pluralistic society would be quick to listen to) have had our freedom exchanged for the freedom of the pornographer and his/her clients. Our freedom to walk the streets without being confronted by offensive material has been lost to the freedom of the pornographer to publish. So much for the notion that society has brought freedom for all! In this game, some people have won; others have lost.

"Some" feminists? No, I'm too worn out. I won't touch that after all.

Well, I feel very sorry for you, my confused Aussie poster, that you believe that your right not to be offended in your very narrow views of the world is more important than the right to self expression for all. But allow me to also observe something. Your whole post is predicated on the assumption that the mere existence of something tangibly interferes with your ability to distance yourself from it. As I've said elsewhere, this is kind of like saying that if someone hosts a BBQ and a vegetarian lives on the same block, that vegetarian's ability to make his or her own choice not to eat meat is somehow curtailed. (I'd extend that to the absurd notion that what a same-sex couple does in the privacy of their own home somehow damages the traditional marriage of a couple down the road, but I think I have a clue where that might go with this guy, too.)

This dude's faith is pretty poor, IMO, if all it takes is the existence of pornography, anywhere that he might possibly unexpectedly encounter it, to make him pitch this kind of fit. But his tirade also exposes the essential hypocrisy of the evangelical right. They're all for freedom of speech when it serves to protect their unending proselytization. The minute the principle is invoked in defense of anything they don't endorse, then it's an evil that must be stomped out, by government fiat if necessary. Their version of freedom extends only as far as their approved preachers have told them it can or should be thrown.

Thus endeth the lesson.