Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Fashion Jesus

I loves me some Jesus' General, and the latest post there is a true gem. Do read the whole thing, but in the meantime I'll favor you with some excerpts from the source which the good General so aptly skewers:
There is no place in the Bible that even insinuates that Jesus had long hair. Sodomite homosexuals such as Michelangelo painted Jesus to look effeminate and to have long hair in order to make him fit their own queer image.
Quick! Someone alert the Vatican and get them to paint over that uber-gay Sistine Chapel ceiling with some Benjamin Moore high-coverage flat white!
These same type of paintings have also given people the idea that “Jesus did not wear pants.” Some have even made utterly ridiculous and bizarre statements such as, “pants had not been invented yet,” or “they didn’t have pants back then.” According to these “scholars,” the men of the past who built the pyramids and Stonehenge just hadn’t thought of pants yet!
This poor guy obviously hasn't heard the common wisdom that almost any statement - and especially any Star Wars movie quote - instantly becomes more funny when you substitute "pants" for any noun. My favorite would be Lando Calrissian in ROTJ: "We've gotta be able to get some kind of reading on those pants, up or down!...Break off the attack! The pants are still up!"
What I believe is based upon the Bible, not “historical evidence,” but the historical record also proves that men in the ancient Middle East wore pants. For example, at the famous battle of Thermopylae (480BC), every historian reports that the Persian (Iranian) soldiers were wearing pants down to their ankles, while the homosexual, perverted Spartans were wearing short skirts or even less!
Ignoring for now that he has just as much as said that the Biblical record and historical evidence have nothing to do with one another...how exactly does Genius Boy, here, know what the Spartans were wearing at Thermopylae? Because if he thinks Sparta was a gay haven of some kind, he sure slept through his unit on Mesopotamia.
When wearing a dress or a “tunic” the thigh is not delineated. Clothing that is worn on each “thigh” is referred to as a pair of pants. Therefore it is apparent that Jesus was wearing pants as he rode in on a white horse to defeat the Antichrist. Apparently “scholars” would have us believe that Jesus was riding to battle on a horse in a dress.
Funny. As a woman, I have often been told how much one's thigh is very definitely delineated - nay, even compelling - when wearing a dress...

Also, thanks to the Misplaced Modifier, I rather like the image of the horse in a dress. Very anthropomorphic. Mister Ed meets Project Runway.

Anyway, let Jesus' General expound further on all this madness. For my part, I think this Steven Anderson guy needs a Utilikilt like the ones I saw in evidence last week at the Oregon Country Fair (which was, by the way, a blast). And, let me tell you, he would have seen some people there wearing a helluva lot less than pants!

1 comment:

Count Istvan said...

Steve Anderson sounds like he isn't real comfortable with his own sexuality.

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