Jonathan Goes to the Movies: Red Riding Hood

Since Roger Ebert and the Movies and At the Movies with Peter Travers are taken, i'll do the next best thing and call my newest segment for Banned and Dangerous, "Jonathan Goes to the Movies. And to kick off the inaugural post, i'm reviewing what may be the the worst film Hollywood has to offer us this year.

Red Riding Hood isn't just bad: director Catherine Hardwicke, who surprised me with her searing and brooding teen drama Thirteen in 2003, and screenwriter David Leslie Johnson (2008's slick horror flick, Orphan) have reached a new low in godawfulness I haven't seen since 2009's atrocious Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The story itself is reduced to a Twilight-styled premise: young Valerie (Amanda Seyfried, doing her best Bella Swan impersonation) has a decision to make - hook up with bad boy woodcutter Edward Cullen...uh, I mean, Peter (Shiloh Fernadez), or fall to her mother's wishes and marry the nice, rich blacksmith Jacob Black...sorry, I meant Henry (Max Irons) - all the while the sleepy village of Daggerhorn is being terrorized by a bloodthirsty werewolf and by demon hunter Father Solomon (Gary Oldman, WTF??) and his methods of finding the big, bad Wolf.

You know what happens next: neighbors turn on one another, the supposed "protectors" start torturing citizens, and our heroine thinks her true love is the one who changes into a frenzied killing machine. Did I forget to mention this charade of young lovers moping around, adults staring at the camera like they're the potential villain, and bloodless, cheesy violence goes on for two hours? You know this movie sucks when 30 minutes in, you're praying the Wolf shows up and rips everyone to bloody shreds. There's still 9 months left in the movie season, but i'll make a bold prediction and say that Red Riding Hood sweeps next year's Razzie awards. A movie devoid of thrills, whose real aim is to scam teen girls out of their weekly allowances, will win the prize every time.

1/2 stars out of ****